I needed help. Support. The loss of my mom was too much for me to handle on my own. Why is it that when I was going through such a challenging time, I thought that I could handle it on my own? Hospice support groups were suggested,also others recommended that i look to my church to see if there were any programs being offered there. I was convinced that I would have to suffer in silence because i did not want others to see how weak I was. But as with all courageous acts, on my own power I hit a brick wall. My body could not handle the sadness, the anxiety and the depression much longer. I developed tinnitus, a loud ringing that purports to come from my ears. It is a screaming ringing sensation that would not let up. I became an insomniac as my sleep was interrupted. I got more and more depressed. I just wanted to isolate from the world. I did not know if i wanted to live anymore- certainly knew that i did not want to live like this anymore. But I had young children, and I could not do that to them. They needed a mom and I needed help. Support. My first foray into group therapy was at the local hospital. After calling to inquire whether I could be admitted for the ringing that was driving me crazy and the insomnia that felt like it would finish me off, i was told that if i was not addicted to anything that I could not join any of their programs. They did refer me to the grief counseling group that I might add was not a lot of help. i went to one meeting and it was an experience. We all went around the room and shared why we were there. One woman just poured out that she was nearing 80 plus years old and all of her close friends and family had either died or were very sick. She could not handle it anymore and needed someone to listen. One woman lost her husband and was left with two small kids to raise and another person’s sister was murdered by a former lover. There was a lot of pain in that room. And, there was not a lot of hope. i felt more sad when I left that place than when I got there. more hopeless. But when the woman who lost her husband to cancer started to critique the other woman who lost her husband to alcohol as though she should have seen it coming, I knew that was not the place for me- not to mention the judgmental one came up to me afterwards and told me that my dad appeared to be eligible and would find a good woman to replace my mom soon. i wanted to throw up. I never wanted to go back to a group like that again. It was a place to share but talking about the pain seemed to make it feel worse. i knew I needed some place to go, but just was not sure what it would look like. Then, Kristi Stoll of Ancient Hawaiian Healings sent me an e-mail and invited me to join her Divine Mentoring Group. god must have been listening to me because this was just what I needed. it was a group of 5 woman who were all going through our separate experiences in life, but who came together to support of eachother in our forward movement. that was it, I wanted to someone to hear my pain, but I also wanted someone to give me tools to help me move through this pain- help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This was my theme. Keep moving forward. We had assignments and met each month to discuss our progress and insights. The group became vital for my transformation and i felt supported as well as supporting to other people souls on our path in life. We met for one year like this- from September 2011 to September 2012 and it was really magical. I highly recommend for those who are struggling with any life challenge to find positive support no matter what it looks like. Just reach out and keep looking, the right doors will open to you. i just know it. i am forever grateful to Kristi and the women that I now call my friends who were there for me at a very pivotal moment in my life. Just goes to show you, when you ask, believe, you will receive and the joy from the gifts that you receive can be so amazing! And i was lucky enough to find there would be more support to cross my path along the way, the journey had begun. And, for better or for worse, I was on my path again- open to the healing that would come as a result of the loss of my mom and the profound change that I would experience in my life. this was my heroine’s journey and there was no looking back!
