To go through life numb is a worse fate.
Three years ago this coming August, I woke up in the middle of the night to a mysterious sound. It was a high pitched ringing noise. In a fog, I pulled out the plug to the television that was located in my room yet it did not go away. Then, I started rummaging around looking for its possible origin without any luck. I sleepily retreated to the living room to find a refuge from this annoying sound that eerily reminded me of a time long ago when the teacher would run her nails down a chalkboard. No matter where I went it continued to follow me.
I could not escape it. Rather, I could not escape me. The origin of the noise began in my head. After many tests and visits to different doctors, I was told that I had tinnitus, or in layman’s terms ringing in the ears. Because, luckily they could not find any hearing loss that may have caused it or any more significant cause of the symptoms, they believed this was caused by stress or anxiety and told me that there are only ways to manage it however, no cure.
I have gone to many places where meditation is prescribed to help you with anxiety or stress. I have heard many suggestions that sleep is necessary when you are going through something like this. The problem I discovered almost three years ago when I got this very literal “wake up call” was when you have ringing in your head, how do you get quiet so you can meditate and how do you calm the anxiety that accompanies this so that you can get sleep.
I have read so much about this, my husband accuses me of being too focused. I have been lucky to find relief from acupuncturists and body healers. (Being a nonbeliever beforehand, when something like ringing in your head gets out of control, you start to open your mind or the alternatives are very bleak)
I spent many months suffering from insomnia and days where I was walking numb, just praying for it to stop, trying everything, anything to quell it. But the anxiety would only get worse, and as many of us know who experience anxiety and stress in our lives, when we focus on it, it only compounds the problem.
I have heard it said often that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That being said, when change comes to town, I am one to run away and fight against it when I probably should embrace it. The biggest change that has come to my life thus far is losing my mother to cancer. It is something that had impacted me greatly. So much so that i actually experience a physical reaction to it that has broken me open to a life that was so different than I ever thought possible. I am forced to accept my imperfections on a daily basis and at the same time i am forced to see the beauty that is in me and keeps me going.
If truth be told, I love fantasy and the idea of happy ever after. Living a life where magic and miracles rule the day, imagination is the most important tool you could have and dreams are the foundation of a well lived life. My fantasy never involved losing my mother the way I did, however, my reality does. So as to never lose the beautiful innocence of holding onto my life mission statement as set out above, acceptance of the circumstances has been a lesson that my “wake up call” has taught me. Also shared experience has been paramount so that as we go through the difficult changes, someone is there to say it is ok, been there done that and you will get through this! After a period in my life of deep depression for many reasons, I want to be that someone who looks to another and says I got you, hold my hand through this. When I need you, I know you will be there for me.
Had I not gotten tinnitus, I still would be walking numb to life. Life, vita, breath, hope, joy, inspiration, the experience. I did not want to face the pain and walk through it because I did not know if I would survive it. I still have areas of my life where my stubborn nature does not allow for me to accept and walk through. I am not saying the challenges are done for me, there are many places in my life where I look for solace only to be turned away because that person I look to is in fear. Those are the times I trust my gut and allow it to guide me.
My wake up call has also led me to the realization that there is not just one answer, there are many paths on this journey of life. If I keep asking the question, I will find the answer that is right for me at the time that I need it most. May it come from a book, a person, or any place for that matter, I am open to what works and I ask God’s divine guidance to keep my head above water and perhaps the ringing at bay. One day, when I no longer need it to keep reminding me, it will vanish as quickly as it came. Until that day, I suppose it is here to teach me to take care of myself and to slow down, look within and breath deeply as I share my life with others along the way.
i needed to share this today! Thank you for letting me share! Because it is so true, to go through life numb and closing others out, is not living at all. And yes I still believe in miracles!