I am really blessed. That is something I know in my soul. I don’t have to look far to see people who I love and love me. That is a blessing. I have often heard it said that you are to be considered a lucky person is you can count the number of good friends on one hand. I can honestly say that there are so many people in my life who I considered not only friends but my family. I have often believed that I am a collector of people. I find the beauty in so many differences. I love to learn from others, I grow when I am with others, and I am who I am today because I have so been inspired by others.
I can imagine you may be wondering where I am going with this!?! Well, these last two days I have been working with examining my negative core beliefs and replacing them with positive affirmations. And, when working through this part of the chapter, what comes up for me is the fear of completely embracing a new creative path for me and welcoming the change that comes with that. The fear that the family of friends who have surrounded me through many major life events over the last 15 years (break ups, marriage, babies, deaths, growing up)will no longer be an important part of my daily life. I have always done my best to keep my important ties strong in the past, I just wonder whether I would have the energy to do so in the future when I am pulled in so many new and wonderful directions. Will my friends make me a priority as well to continue to keep the relationships going? So what? I stay safe because I think that I will have to be alone if I venture forward?? This logically does not make sense. Then again, what if I fail, what if I have to face rejection of me,of my art, these are all the negative core beliefs that have come up for me. What if it breaks me? Then I thought to myself, I am still standing after some really tough things have happened to me. I am still moving forward even though I could have curled up in a ball and given up. So why would I let this small thing called fear stop me now- I hear fear described as false evidence appearing real. That is it an illusion, not facts. Then I ask myself, will I let that stand between me and great things. An opportunity to paint this world with the beauty that is self expression. Hell No!!!! NO NO NO!
And then two things came to my attention. Why am I looking further than I need to anyway? I only have to see 100 feet in front of me, the rest will be seen when the time is right, I just need to act in line with my highest self, whatever that looks like. And the other thing is to ask myself, Am I taking care of myself???? Do that and then don’t worry because those who love you the most will support you no matter what when you start to support yourself, and those who don’t, they are only working with their own fear- forgive them.
Then I got to switch this week to my favorite thing in the world- positive affirmations. And this is what sticks with me = she says “Audacity and not talent is what moves the artist to the center.” Boldness- 🙂 The there is the challenge- if you were to write out some positive affirmations over and over what does your personal censor say. And my favorite, the detective work. Break you life into 5 year segments and list by name your major influences in each time block to find out where the censor is coming from – go for it 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40. . . Then it struck me, I affirmed that I am talented, unique, recognized- then the censor said to me” you will never be first place, you will always be runner up.” then the detective work comes into play, I am the middle child of three girls 1 1/2 years apart. I never got individualized attention from the beginning. Always vying for first, yet always coming in second. I tried out for a play in elementary school, I got the back up to the lead and was told that I should be grateful for that, always coming in second. I made it to the tennis finals at districts i high school in my position, lost and came in second. Even when I went to LA and was on the Price is Right and spun 1$ on the wheel, the lady behind me got 1$ too. Even with the spin off where I won $5000 by hitting 5 cents, the lady after spun 60 cents and I came in second. And when applying for a promotion in a position of leadership that I really wanted and knew that I could do a great job, I came in second once again. What was it about coming in second??? Never taking all the attention for fear that I would be a target of jealousy, mean spiritedness, under a microscope where people can see perhaps the fraud that I may be. What is it about second? Stepping aside so others feel good and leaving myself to be the shadow creator once again. Then the Aha came, this is not about competition with others. This is my journey. Me not stepping into all the potential that I am because I am worried that others will tear me down is just fear holding me back. Even writing this now for all to see causes me great anxiety. But then isn’t there freedom in naming your demons, secrets that are revealed no longer have the great illusory power over your life. Freedom to be, just be!
As a child the attention that I got was ridicule and bullying. Kids made fun of my braces, my glasses, my weight. I grew up in the shadows, because the limelight brought a lot of pain and sadness. As an adult, things are different, however, the scars are still there. The difference is that I now have the tools to heal those scars with affirmations and loving attention. Where I don’t have to hide because the monster is really a small mouse. The joy of being myself far outweighs the pain of hiding who I am. The questions I now MUST ask myself is Am I willing to experience my creative energy and share it with others? Am i willing to create? Am I willing to accept that now there is a divine plan for goodness for me and for my work? And most importantly my creativity heals myself and others and through the use of my creativity I serve God. These affirmations free me- they are weapons to become the best me. I heal myself and I get to heal others as well. Then I return to my mantra “Choose Bliss!” This will take me where I want to go despite past hurts and pains. My dreams do come from God and God has the power to accomplish them. This is where I can see the beauty of this creative journey and yes, move forward! “Undoubtedly we become what we envisage.” Claude M. Bristol. This is too important to allow those negative beliefs or people from the past to set out the vision of who you are. Blurt out the negative and change it into a positive. Power of positive habits can change your world. This is a good exercise and this is the artist’s way!
Angelica Houston and me! No one told her she could not do what she wanted to do!