Journal Entry – September 27, 2018:
I miss my mother. I know that will never change. I miss her voice, I miss her touch, I miss her face, I miss her smile, and I miss her wisdom. The grieving process hit me like a ton of bricks, at first leaving me hopeless and anxious. While I did not know how to move forward and at first spiraled into the dark night of the soul, with the love and support of others and with determination to learn a new way, I picked myself up and moved forward one step at a time. She has been with me the entire time, I just know it. I channel her spirit, as I am inspired to write insights of the day. I channel her love for me as I reach out to be supported by and to support others. There is a hallway in my parent’s home lined with many many pictures of family, friends, and moments in time. There is also a small heart that contains the following words “you touched me, I have grown.”
I say to my mother today, “you loved me and still continue to love me through your god winks and synchronicities, I have grown and continue to grow as I move forward without you physically but spiritually standing right by your side.”
I am grateful I still get to share her with those that she loved well, my dad, my sisters, our families and our extended family. It is a journey, no one said it was easy, we can only hope that it will be worth it!
She left me a message on my voice mail in February of 2011- it is the last recording I have of her voice- she said” Hello my Meggie, I am looking for you wherever you are.” I know she is. I just have to remember to acknowledge that she is there even when I feel alone. No one can ever replace her, nor should they. But, I know that whenever I do something for another person or look for ways to give love and empower others, I know she is smiling down on me. So it is with joy that I remember my mom today, what would have been her 75th birthday, and it is in love that I am grateful to her that she still teaches me how to live even in her death!
Sometimes an event happens in your life that just changes you. Everything that you knew prior to that event is no longer your reality. A new perspective colors everything that you experience afterwards. Everything looks different, everything even feels different. And when the impact of the change sets in, you yearn for the innocence of your childhood that is lost forever. It becomes a life changing moment in time that leaves you forever altered, searching for equilibrium, however knowing that you must get on this rollercoaster ride first before you achieve that state of mind, before you can find peace. As the great leader Winston Churchill once said, “If you are going through hell, keep going.” Feel the pain, just don’t unpack and stay there. The storm will pass, just keep moving forward and you will know this to be true.
Daily, I am surrounded by intelligent and beautiful women and men. I am influenced by real people who come to the table of life with all their qualities and flaws. To all you courageous warriors who get out of bed each and everyday to face the world once again, you will find your way.
I know that whatever I do in this life, I must give magical service every magical day.
I can no longer stand in judgment for what has happened in the past. I cannot change it, but I can go forward into the future and look for new opportunities to make my life even better than before. It is in paying it forward that we all make a difference in this life. I will embrace each of my bridges in life one by one and with love. I know I have many more lessons to learn along the way. As I walk confidently out of the dark night of my soul and into the sunrise of my soul’s bliss, I do not know the next chapter, but I am excited to live it. I look around at the many blessings of my life and I see that God has many faces. I can look into the mirror and see the presence of my own beauty within. The message for me at the lighthouse was may peace prevail on Earth. Peace knowing that we are connected to something so much greater than we can even imagine. Peace knowing that we are part of this incredible universe. Peace just breathing and taking it all in.
Since she passed, my mother has come to me in my dreams. In one, my mother and I were sitting at the kitchen table, the place where we spent hours talking. She looked so young, as if she were about 30 years old. She was wearing one of her light blue nightgowns and robe. She looked at me and stated matter of factly, “Well I guess the chemo didn’t work.” Feeling incredibly lost without her, I then asked, “What do we do now?” She said, “I guess we just have to move forward.” So I guess that is just what I have to do, move forward. And in moving forward, I embrace my hero’s journey, excited and scared not knowing what each day will bring and what lessons I will face. But, I know now that each lesson I experience is designed to teach me something new about myself. And, this time it helped me to return to live life, laugh often and love much.
Her message remains: you are special, you are important for this world, and you must meet every challenge you face as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Life is there to be lived and we are blessed with that opportunity to do so. Don’t miss out. Stress will kill you. Have no regrets. You are loved and you matter. You can make a difference in your life and you can make a difference in this world. As my beautiful daughter sang to me as I sat crying in a beautiful hotel room on vacation thinking I could not go on, “Don’t give up, never never give up.” Because the reality is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And it only takes one candle to shine in the darkness. It only takes one spark of your spirit to bring light back to your world. And, the good news is that you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to others around you and connect with their healing love and you will find hope and you will find strength again. You will come back stronger than you started. Then I urge you to reach out to others in service using your beautiful talents. This is the way we will heal this world and this is what we are here for- and then you will bear witness to your own sunrise of your soul’s bliss and how beautiful and glorious that will be.
One final quote from Mark Twain that sets out my truth, “the two most important days in your life are the day you were born . . . and the day you find out why.” May each day in between and thereafter be filled with inspiration towards the WHY and when you discover it, may you also open another person’s eyes on their journey as well.
This new sunrise welcomes me with its beautiful hues of orange, yellow and red. It awakens my soul to what the world renowned musician and artist Jon Saxx declared “pure imagination and its endless possibilities.” For this sunrise is created by the Divine. I am a part of its beauty and its lightens the heaviness of my experiences and brings me back to the simplest notion that just for today, I reset and embrace my life with excitement and love as I have been granted this blessing and opportunity to do so. Just for today I am empowered anew and as long as I follow my passions in life, my hero’s journey will continue to open up new understandings and experiences in the world for me. And there, with a knowing that you are made up of magic and miracles, you will begin to experience the sunrise of your own bliss inspired anew to the beauty of your own dreams. Are you ready? Finally, thank you Mom for this gift.