“Of all the people that you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer.”
It’s 3 am in the morning again. I am wide awake. I was once told that if you wake up over and over again at 3 am in the morning, you are experiencing some sort of spiritual awakening. If that is so, mine just happens to be the most agonizing of its kind. You see, it was on October 2014 when I stood on a stage in front of 1000s of people as I shared a dream I had for years unfold. I got to meet one on one an individual who had inspired me and so many under a spotlight for all to see with a dear friend facilitating the whole thing. I was on cloud nine, surely that is what spiritually alive must feel like. And, because it felt like the impossible just came to light, after taking it all in, I was emboldened to set many of my other “impossible” dreams into motion.
Nearly 3 years later, having published a book, another one on the way, and organizing a non profit to support other dreamers, I have never felt more discontentment or the feeling of being lost in all of my life. After a year of investing in myself and figuring out the terrain of the ‘book” world, it was exciting and exhausting all at the same time. But I felt spiritually lifted until that day last April “when I went back to the hardware store for bread”.
What does that mean? You see, my day job that was actually financing my dream, is a toxic environment that I had attempted to separate from for some time. Until a promotion came up and I threw my hat back into the wrong ring. There it is the hardware and there was no bread. And finding no sustenance there, my confidence, self esteem, self worth etc. went by the wayside. And all the upwards strides I made for all the time beforehand as I set out on the journey that matched my soul, thrown out the window. I reverted to a place where I always came in second, where I felt that I needed approval over and over again to validate the fact that I could do the job, and to where I came head to head with the villains of my story, that patriarchal personalities who blocked my path to professional advancement.
So going from a place that was freeing myself from those bonds, the box that no longer fit my soul, I applied for a promotion and jumped right back in again, waiting for that validation all over again! Perhaps, I needed the closure, perhaps I wanted to self sabotage, perhaps this was what needed to happen for my story to advance. For you see, once again after 17 years of putting my heart and soul somewhere, I was passed over for the promotion. I did not get that validation, and felt like others would continue to take credit for what I did but would not see me worthy of a new role. And with the rejection, came a spiral of sorts to where I am today.
A little less confident, more exhausted, but yearning for the answer to the question of my life “What comes next?” As long as I don’t give up, now at least I know that there is no going backward as a new path is laid out before me, a path that will have me closer to my life’s calling. A path that will allow me to change my own narrative of self-sabotage and defeat at failing to gain approval of another and happily embracing my own. A path that will lead me to happier place in my life, where I will get the freedom to do and say what I want to do and say. And, ultimately the opportunities will fall into place as I walk away from the wall that I had insisted before to bang my head up against over and over again.
Does that mean that I am awake? Perhaps that is why I get up at 3am over and over- so I don’t go back to sleep to make the mistakes again. Well at least I am on my way. I have a lot of fall out to deal with, recharge and renew to get back to a place of balance, dropping off some of the weight from my shoulders and well as my mid region. But, like Pressman states above, I am the person that I will never leave or lose, with the question of my life, I am the only answer. So with that thought, I take the next inspired step forward and keep my head up so that I can pay attention to when the answers come. Then hopefully, staying away from what I know is not mine, I can once again, stand where I am,place that tiara on my head and start again to have fun- I feel a bit freer as I write this and I AM ready to advance my story-knowing what I know about past chapters, I know it is going to be good-How about you?
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Butterflies, Blessings, and Bliss!
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