This journey without my mom physically here is going on 3 1/2 years. After speaking to a dear friend who just said goodbye to hers and experiencing the wave of emotion that follows that kind of reminder, it just dawned on me that I have been looking for a replacement since my mom left this earth. What I mean by replacement is someone to pick up where she left off. I have been looking for a confidant, someone who listens without judgment. I have been looking for that kind of unconditional love only a mother who cared for your boo boos, the little scrapes and the big disappointments, could give. I have been looking for the validation that I received effortlessly as she would hug me leaving me feeling worthy of love. I have been looking for that safe place to go when I am vulnerable. I have been looking for the wisdom as we were able to discuss intelligently ideas. And I have been looking for that person whose faith could build bridges and have a belief and knowing god is love.
One place where I received all of the above, still searching for it after a long three years having to more and more rely on the lessons solidly imprinted in my heart and soul when left without.
I have realized that I will never find one person to replace my mother. I have found many new and wonderful avenues, but there will never be a replacement for her. As tears rolled down face when my friend shared with me her own anguish, I cried for her loss and prayed her journey would be easier than mine. I also cried because I knew the longing for that physical connection would never go away.
So I continue doing my best to find the parts in my connection to others that would lend a hand to making me feel whole again, a work in progress. Even those whose faith is based in fear and mean spiritedness, I welcome as I remember the words of my mother- “not everyone is on the same path and level as you are- so don’t let their understanding get in your way.”
And this morning, when I knew I could have used one of our daily morning phone calls, I just used my imagination to replay one that remains in my memory- a simple message that goes a long way-she would say “good morning Meggie, it’s mommy- have a wonderful day!” Then I realized that the torch has been passed as that is what I would say to my own children, becoming lighter once again on the journey from darkness into light! For noone could ever replace that special bond we all have with that person who taught us what is love! Thank you mom got the love that has no replacement!love!
